


you can't have your cake and eat it too

by orphan_account



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, I'm not sure what to tag this as since this is the most SFW Gilgamesh will ever be in any fic, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:55:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27791110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Unlike some people (read: a certain new director of Chaldea), Arthur Pendragon does not go eating anonymously delivered cake willy-nilly. Until he knows it's safe, he won't let anyone touch it.Gilgamesh really couldn't care less.Based on the Christmas relationship cake of Arthur and Gilgamesh. Thank you, Type-Moon.
Relationships: Gilgamesh | Archer/Arthur Pendragon | Saber
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	you can't have your cake and eat it too

“A free cake? Isn’t this a bit suspicious to you?”

Free food out of nowhere is already suspect enough, but a cake with their likenesses only rang alarm bells in Arthur’s head. Don’t misunderstand; if there was _safe_ cake, he would happily eat it all, leaving nary a crumb. But who on Earth would go out of their way to...paint, no, print? both he and Gilgamesh onto baked goods? Sure, Gilgamesh was the antithesis of subtle when it came to announcing their, er, status, but why a commemorative Christmas cake in the middle of November?

“I see no issue with some admiring mongrel offering a tribute. It’s to be expected.”

Was it really though? Such things could easily be poisoned, hexed, or filled with horseradish instead. One could never know. After all, cake typically didn’t magically deliver itself to one’s doorstep, at least without Merlin involved. And when Merlin was involved, one definitely ought to double and triple check the treat before accepting.

The box was a nondescript white, and whoever knocked on Gilgamesh’s door to leave it was nowhere to be found. Perplexed, Arthur refused to let either himself or Gilgamesh touch the offending baked good until he investigated its origins. As embarrassing as it was toting around such a cheesy-looking cake (and it wasn’t even cheesecake!), he figured the easiest way to find out more was to show the item to others.

Gilgamesh just waved him off and reopened his book, telling him to go have fun on his sleuthing adventure or whatever. Absolutely no help at all, this one.

Arthur rolled his eyes and left him to it. He’s more than capable of handling matters on his own and, he noted with a wry smile, he ought to get used to that again. Wouldn’t do to get too comfortable and be left reeling when he inevitably departed.

There were a couple places he wanted to hit up and find answers at. The first stop, naturally, was the cafeteria.

“Ah, good afternoon. What can I help you with?” greeted Emiya, in the middle of chopping some protein or other. The pleasant manner was gone the moment Arthur lifted the lid and Gilgamesh’s smug face in icing beamed out for all to see. For a moment, Arthur could see Emiya’s hand twitch, as if he was fighting back the urge to squish the cake in.

To his credit, the Counter Guardian only looked _mildly_ disgusted, his upper lip curling in distaste. “I don’t know anything about it, and I prefer it remain that way. Please remove that offending object from my sight.”

The first one was a dud. Frankly, that was to be expected, so Arthur simply bid him a good day and turned to leave.

Tamamo Cat, who’d been stirring a pot from across the kitchen, trotted over at all the commotion. Arthur flipped the box open again, smiling haplessly. The fox-cat-dog? simply looked the construction over with an appraising eye, approving of the baker’s technique. However, even she shrugged, confessing she had no idea where it came from. “I’d ask Master or Da Vinci, woof! If something’s happening, usually they know or they’re responsible for it.”

Da Vinci didn’t seem like she had enough time to send personalized pastries to make people squirm. Then Master, perhaps...? But why on Earth, and why on such an arbitrary date? Besides, disturbing her would be just silly and a waste of time, so that’s out of the question. Sherlock doubtlessly knew something, but to bother him with such a trifling matter seemed wrong. The man might just spin him in circles with condescending riddles, and Arthur wasn’t too keen on another one of those conversations.

Perhaps Gilgamesh’s Caster self? If Archer won’t use that Clairvoyance to help, maybe Caster might. If nothing else, he might find Arthur’s pilgrimage around Chaldea amusing enough to toss out a clue or two. With that thought in mind, the King of Knights sighed and changed his trajectory.

Marching around Chaldea holding a box of cake was dangerous enough on its own. Arthur kept his hood up, walking briskly; heavens knows there’s more than one Servant that would be happy to pester him for a slice or steal the whole thing altogether. Speaking of which...

Arthur sidestepped a sharp knife from the left and twirled by a hand reaching from behind, but that was a close call all the same. If it weren’t for the other two who tagged along, he wouldn’t have noticed the trio as quickly as he did.

“Jack, what have we told you about using Presence Concealment for snacks?” he admonished, voice and countenance stern as the girl hid her hands behind her back.

“That it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission?” Jack ventured, smiling cheekily. “You told Mommy that when you ate the last pudding!” Nursery Rhyme giggled lightly beside her, while Jeanne d’Arc Alter Santa...Lily? (good God, what a mouthful) stifled a snicker of her own.

Touché, Jack the Ripper, touché.

The hood came off for the full effect of Arthur’s reprimand to kick in. “That is not what I told _you_ , young lady. I was going to share once I ascertained its safety, but now you’ve forced my hand. No cake for any of you.”

One would think Arthur had stripped them of title, rank, and livelihood in one fell swoop with how crestfallen they looked afterwards. No, even if the Devil himself tempts him...!

“Eyes like that won’t work on me, especially not after an assassination attempt,” he said, like a liar.

“Pleee _eeeeease_? We’re sorry we tried to stab you, but we knew you wouldn’t be hurt _too_ badly!” Jack pleaded, eyes sparkling with unshed tears. From somewhere to her left, someone sniffled.

Arthur narrowed his eyes, but the fatal blow had already been dealt. To think that he’d fall victim to such blatant manipulation! ...perhaps he’d lost his touch. He’ll unravel the implications of that later.

“...if this is safe to eat, I will split it and give half of it to you. But until then, you are not to bother myself or anyone else. Do you understand?” From the triumphant cheers and high-fives, yes, they understood just fine.

When he started walking again, the three followed behind him like hungry ducklings. Well, that couldn’t be helped, now could it...

He let them trail after him, sighing. If they were all ghosts of existences, like dandelions before a storm, then a moment of indulgence could be worse. There was a lot to unpack here, but for now, all that baggage was tossed into some basement for later.

Without realizing it, he’d made it to his destination. Arthur rapped the door with his knuckles, two solid knocks.

Nothing.

“We hear people in there,” Jack muttered, crouching down to peek under the door.

“No, Jack, stop that. That’s quite rude, you know. Caster, forgive the intrusion. I have a que-”

The door slid open on its own, leaving a half-nude Merlin and a tastefully nude King of Uruk on full display. On the bedside table was a box suspiciously similar to his own; upon closer inspection, the two figures on this one corresponded to the two shameless casters on the bed. A sizable chunk was missing that took Merlin’s head with it.

That explained the white smears, thank goodness...but Arthur still covered Nursery and Santa Lily’s eyes with his hands. Jack darted out of the way before his elbow could pin her, but he supposed she was a special case. The two nudists had class advantage anyway.

“...I thought succ-, er, incubi, didn’t consume human food?” Arthur asked weakly, averting his eyes.

“I don’t mind it,” Merlin said lazily, licking a smudge of icing off his fingertip. “The cake is for my king. I’m here to eat h-”

Caster cut him off with a well-placed forkful, shoving it right in without preamble. “To answer your question, King of Knights, no. The cake is perfectly fine, even if it is but second-rate to Uruk’s butter cakes. Now go! And take the children with you, unless you want the Magus of Flowers to do more damage than he already has!”

Arthur didn’t need to be told twice. He quickly shepherded the girls into the hall and made sure the door was firmly closed.

If Chaldea weren’t so sterile, there would be crickets.

“...sooo...can we cut it?” Jack eventually ventured, a knife seemingly out of nowhere at the ready.

Arthur frowned, eyeing that stained knife suspiciously. “I don’t know where that knife has been. Head Nurse will certainly have me flayed if I serve anything unsanitary to you, even if you are Servants.”

He took quick stock of what he had on hand; there was no way he’d make it back to the cafeteria without getting the entire box wheedled away. That, too, would earn him the Head Nurse’s wrath; he could almost hear her giving him an earful about spoiling children with too many sweets.

Well...energy beams were hot enough to disinfect, right...?

When the children finally left Arthur alone, triumphantly holding half a bisected box, he grimaced.

And if anyone saw him cut a cake box with a Divine Construct, no, they didn’t.

\--

Arthur stepped into the King of Heroes’ room again, sighing wearily. A completely fruitless endeavor cost him half the cake, but at least he knew it wasn’t poisoned or charmed. Seeing as Caster and Merlin ate their version without issue, Arthur supposed there was no harm here either.

“And how did it go?” Gilgamesh greeted lazily, not even bothering to look up from his book.

“You know full well how it went, but I suppose you want a report all the same?”

Gilgamesh waved a hand, dismissing Arthur and summoning some plates and forks from his Gates at the same time. “Don’t waste my time. Now then...you have permission to feed me some of that cake after neglecting me all day.”

Arthur frowned but took the proffered utensils anyway. How would he split the remaining portion without separating their decapitated heads? And besides, “You’re a fully grown man, Gilgamesh. Surely, you don’t need help with something as trivial as feeding yourself.”

Red eyes narrowed in displeasure, and the book was shut with a crisp snap.

“Of course not, Pendragon. But given that you wasted your time _and_ mine today, I am entitled to an apology. You will start by feeding me.”

Irritation bubbled underneath his calm exterior, leaving Arthur standing over Gilgamesh with his arms crossed and a plate held precariously by a thumb and forefinger. “Well, pardon me for having common sense and acting out of concern for you too. Need I remind you about the time when y-”

“Enough!” Golden chains shot out, quick as lightning, and wrapped around his forearms. Gilgamesh crooked his finger, yanking the other man towards him.

For some unfathomable reason, the King of Heroes did not anticipate Arthur would lose his grip on the plate. As if in slow-motion, the slice bearing cake-Gil’s head became airborne, hovering before landing squarely on Gilgamesh’s face.

The sight of the smug tyrant looking like a confused, cheese-slapped feline (Master has odd tastes in entertainment) made Arthur forget that he, too, was in freefall...inevitably resulting in his forehead (and the rest of him, too) colliding with Gilgamesh and smooshing the slice between them. Neither yelped, but the impact left them both blinking dazedly for a few seconds as their vision cleared and they came back to themselves.

Seeing Arthur’s dumbfounded, icing-smeared face (that no doubt matched his own), Gilgamesh started snickering. Soon, that giggly mess became full-blown laughter, with Arthur joining in. All the tension bled away, leaving nothing except how _ridiculous_ the entire situation was. With nobody else to bear witness to whatever the heck happened here, laughing it off didn’t seem so bad.

A warm tongue swiped away a stripe of frosting. “I believe there’s a tradition in England where newlyweds share cake?” Gilgamesh looked like the cat that got the canary _and_ dessert to follow, even if he, too, was dropping crumbs with every movement.

A blush crept from Arthur’s ears towards his cheeks, the remaining bits of white standing out from the pink. “People can share cake for all occasions, Gil. Besides, that was for _you_. I’m not one for eating my partner’s face in cake form.”

Gilgamesh guffawed again, his mirth echoing off the walls. “Of course. When my beautiful face is right here, why settle for some shabby imitation?” He beckoned the man over, grinning. “Come. Do whatever you want later, but you’re cleaning and appreciating the superior goods _now_.”

The King of Knights, no matter what iteration, was known for a healthy appetite. If another serving offered himself up so eagerly, who was Arthur to refuse?

He felt silly for raising such a fuss over an innocuous treat, but seeing as it ended on a high note, he couldn’t bring himself to regret any of it.

\--

Ritsuka hummed, pleased as punch with herself for a job well done. Even if Emiya wasn’t up to helping, there were still a good number of Servants in Chaldea that volunteered for their secret mission. Da Vinci’s edible printer was pretty helpful too, despite the hefty price tag of two rare prisms for that bad boy.

She knew she could always rely on one of the Hassans to put that Presence Concealment to good use. In hindsight, perhaps it wasn’t the _best_ idea, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

Even if she was a teensy bit early, Operation: Christmas Cake was a success.

**Author's Note:**

> The cake in question can be found [here](https://twitter.com/naporittan/status/1328684943136854016/photo/1).
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
